i know, it's the wrong day, being mother's day and all...

... but this time, i'm going to talk about my dad. and Johnny Cash.

i remember the moment i learned that Johnny Cash died. not because i i really liked him at the time, but because it was also the moment when i realized that maybe my dad was on to something....

see, i never really respected my dad's tastes in music. in fact, i probably claimed that i hated them for a period of time. certain artists were so strongly linked to my dad that it was near impossible for me to separate them. Johnny Cash is one of those artists.

and when did this change?

i was at my friend melissa's apartment and our friend mk came in. she said she was listening to Johnny Cash all day in remembrance of him because he had died. there i stood, vaguely recalling that i heard that on the radio earlier that day and that the news didn't mean much to me. and then i thought about why not. i mean, i knew Cash was considered quite a legend. but see, i never really got it before. Johnny Cash was almost inseparable in my mind with my dad and the memories there were not always good. but there, standing on that generic beige carpet, my opinion changed. perhaps because it was coming from a person that was just about the polar opposite of my dad -- at least on paper -- particularly including the fact that she was  someone who knew her shit about really good hip hop. i don't even think that it was a thought: it was a shifting of emotion, or something deeper. this shift was solidified when i gave Cash a re-listen. i got it. i understood. not just the appeal of Johnny Cash, but i helped me understand my father. something settled and relaxed my my body about him -- my dad -- and a big part of that was some kind of forgiveness.

now we're going pretty far back...

i grew up going to a catholic school. we went to church most weekends, vacillating between periods of sundays, but mostly saturday evenings.  the music director there was amazing and i remember my mother saying how important the music for mass was for her. clearly, this imprinted on me.  i still find the divine in music, whether it was placed there intentionally or not.  in looking back on the music i was exposed to at church, i really absorbed a lot of what it was saying.  the way i grew up wasn't oppressive.  my relationship with the religion and spirituality i grew up with is a complicated one, but it is quite obvious it played a major role in my personal development.  below are some lyrics to a song i remember from childhood, it is "God of Day and God of Darkness," by Marty Haugen. 

God of day and God of darkness, 
now we stand before the night. 
As the shadows stretch and deepen, 
come and make our darkness bright. 
All creation still is groaning 
for the dawning of your might. 
When the Sun of peace and justice 
fills the earth with radiant light.

Still the nations curse the darkness, 
still the rich oppress the poor. 
Still the earth is bruised and broken 
by the ones who still want more. 
Come and wake us from our sleeping, 
so our hearts cannot ignore 
all your people lost and broken, 
all your children at our door.

Show us Christ in one another. 
Make us servants strong and true. 
Give us all your love of justice, 
so we do what you would do. 
Let us call all people holy. 
Let us pledge our lives anew. 
Make us one with all the lowly. 
Let us all be one in you.

You shall be the path that guides us; 
you the light that in us burns. 
Shining deep within all people, 
yours the love that we must learn. 
For our hearts shall wander restless 
'til they safe to you return. 
Finding you in one another, 
we shall all your face discern. 
(Text: Marty Haugen. C 1994 GIA Publications, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Used with permission. Music: The Sacred Harp, 1844.)

if you know me, it's amazing how much stuck.

i couldn't find any full audio of this, otherwise you'd be seeing/hearing that. it's out there, though for purchase (but more importantly, for the "sample").

So we're going to start with Cher

a while ago, a friend and i agreed to make mix cds illustrating our own evolution of consumers and lovers of music.  i'm ridiculously thorough and slow when making mixes and with this large of a project, i'm still working on it.  as i'm going through my music collection, i find that i have quite a lot to say about my choices.  so here is the expanded version of those liner notes*, hopefully including intelligent discussion with my friends and readers.

and i'm starting with Cher.

i really think it happened in college.  well, i mean, i liked Cher before that.  it's just i wasn't as comfortable admitting it.  i don't know why not.  i just didn't talk to it with anyone other than my mom. or at least that's how i remember it.  and then it was the very early 2000s, i had just come out. coming out for me wasn't just about my sexuality.  it was more than that.  it was about being honest with my identity on more than just that level.  so how does Cher fit it?  well, songs like "Song for the Lonely" were anthems in the gay clubs, drag shows, Pride and hell, it's Cher.  i hear that song and i'm at that specific moment in time and history.  it relates not only to my personal journey, but places me at a very precise place on the historical and cultural map: just before 9/11, just before things got really loud around the gay marriage debate.  and there was Cher.  and there was a young queer, learning the ropes of this new subculture, this new identity, this new way to operate in the world.  and i remember being proud.




* Not even close to chronological order.